As my tumblr is new, I wish to make a post. As my brain is empty, I have nothing to write. BUT lucky for you Mike (I think you’re still my only follower) I am going to post a little clip of something I wrote the other day… I am trying to write a lot more… I used to only write short poem-ish things or just random thoughts, but I’m starting to write longer narratives. Here’s the latest:
I hear the click of the lock as she leaves. This means I’m truly alone. I feel my body, stuck upon the bed like a wad of chewed up gum. Somewhere beneath layers of flesh and muscle, a churning of chemicals. In the distance I hear the incessant ring made by an unanswered phone and a persistent caller. My eyes are the driest they have ever been. I haven’t blinked in several minutes. If I were the least shred of normal I would be a huddled, bawling mess. But my heart break is not that I will miss her. I do not need her. Not her specifically, anyway. My heart break will be over the loss of company. Terribly afraid of myself, I am. And each time a girl takes her inevitable leave of me, I find myself falling flat back to where I came from. Where I belong. Right back to rock bottom. Rock bottom no longer scares me. In fact, I find it quite homey. It’s cold, hard surface feels like a second chance to me. A new beginning. I swear this time I’ll change. I’ll live a lone. I’ll be a man.
That’s what they all tell you anyway. The people. The therapists, doctors, nurses, friends, parents, they all tell you that’s what you need to do. To be on your own. To figure things out. This time I’ll do it. I’ll listen. I’ve pined for women my whole life, and I was always wrong. They were not what I needed. Although that’s what they say too. “She wasn’t what you needed.” What do you know of my needs? Let me tell you, when things are good, they are GOOD. If I hadn’t let it all slip away, If I wasn’t such a MORON…I’d have had it all figured out.
But I digress. This is a new beginning. I turn from the old haunting vices. From now on, I’m going to be one of those hard working bachelor types. Always wearing a suit. Yes. My facial hair will be what ever length I please. Oh my god. I will have time for video games again. Yes! This is a good, good fucking thing. This is what I needed.
Two weeks later, I find my old familiar place upon a rickety bar stool in the local “irish pub”. The mashed potatoes are the only things remotely Irish about this place. I can’t stand being here. There is a DJ in the back and about a thousand muscled goons attempting to bed a bunch of sexually cheap broads. None of these men appear to be in the least bit Irish, and when the bartender laughs at me as I order a Guiness, I know that right now in Dublin it is raining. But, this is the best choice I’ve got. Living in a college town means that all of your bars go to shit. Penny Beer Wednesday Nights, are laundry nights for me. I’m not sure why I’m here. The girls here are just that, girls. The dating pool is quite shallow. In fact, none of the women I’ve spent any length of time with have ever stepped foot inside this bar. I’m not just looking for a cheap fuck. Well, not usually. Tonight, however, is a different story.
I turn away from the bar and look at the jungle of alcohol and sex before me. There are so many legs. I love legs. I love legs so much that I am able to divert my attention from the boring personalities that twist back and forth above them. In tight, shiny dresses they look like fish writhing for air. I, the spineless, spineless worm, get up from my stool mid chug. Lazily, I discard my glass, I keep my eyes fixed upon the targeted prey. This one has red hair. She shoots her icy blue gaze in my direction. Without thought, I shift from direct to indirect. I examine each booth as I cross around the perimeter of the bar to where she is standing. My eyes pass over the framed pictures of local soccer teams, and paraphernalia from the local fire department, but my mind is fixed upon her. I am in her back, behind her ear. She may already know. I bet she knows. Finally, I examine the last booth, There is a giant green and yellow jersey hung in a large frame. I pause for a moment. This is it. Get her. With a quick pivot I intend to sneak up upon her, but before I could take even one step she had turned upon me.